Robust verbs – temporal

A huge problem in Vancouver is heroin addicts committing crimes to support their habits. The “free heroin for addicts” program is doing everything they can to stop the large crime rate due to the addicts. Day to day activities become increasingly more difficult, such as completing daily activities, jobs, interactions, and maintaining relationships. Because heroin users are addicted, they will do whatever they have to do to get their hands on the drug, such as breaking and entering. The problem with this program is that it won’t help to ween these addicts off using heroin, it is only trying to save the city from rising crime rates that they’re up to. By providing the drug, these addicts will be off the streets, which in turn will prevent them from committing minor street crimes, which will also keep the heroin users out of the hospital. It is pointless that the hospitals have to deal with people that want to use bad drugs or unsanitary needles and who find themselves being unable to afford hospital bills or cope without the drug. This program gives people free heroin in the cleanest way possible. This will in turn fix the city but not the addiction that these people face.

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1 Response to Robust verbs – temporal

  1. davidbdale's avatar davidbdale says:

    Lots of good improvements here, Temporal!

    A huge problem in Vancouver is heroin addicts committing crimes to support their habits. The “free heroin for addicts” program is doing everything they can to stop the large crime rate due to the addicts.

    —Your first sentence offers up some robust verb choices (commit, support), but you settled on “Problem IS.”

    —Your verb choice in the second sentence is better, but still you chose “is doing.”

    Day to day activities become increasingly more difficult, such as completing daily activities, jobs, interactions, and maintaining relationships. Because heroin users are addicted, they will do whatever they have to do to get their hands on the drug, such as breaking and entering.

    —No reader will understand whose activities are complicated, Temporal. Are the good citizens of Vancouver having trouble working around the addicts, or . . . ? Is addiction a problem ONLY for the addicts?

    —Instead of “becoming”—a fancy form of “is,” consider “Addiction complicates every daily activity.”

    —When addicts break into cars and homes, when they mug, when they sell their bodies for drugs, you shouldn’t have to settle for “they will DO whatever.”

    The problem with this program is that it won’t help to ween these addicts off using heroin, it is only trying to save the city from rising crime rates that they’re up to. By providing the drug, these addicts will be off the streets, which in turn will prevent them from committing minor street crimes, which will also keep the heroin users out of the hospital.

    —You can improve on “Problem IS.”

    —Purge your paragraph of that flawed “By verbing” construction.

    It is pointless that the hospitals have to deal with people that want to use bad drugs or unsanitary needles and who find themselves being unable to afford hospital bills or cope without the drug.

    —”It IS.” “BEING unable.”

    This program gives people free heroin in the cleanest way possible. This will in turn fix the city but not the addiction that these people face.

    —What will fix the city? The cleanliness of the drug?

    You have the skills to make this draft much better, Temporal. If you’re willing to revise it, I’d recommend NOT LOOKING BACK AT THE ORIGINAL. Instead, consider your draft a new original, and make it the best, clearest, most direct and robust version you can.

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