2 Responses to Open Strong – CptPooStain

1. davidbdale says:

   March 9, 2015 at 10:51 pm

   A fair first draft, Capt. Let me help here a bit with my own first draft.

   Subjects and Verbs

   Humans without works of massive collaboration have nothing to set them and other earthly primates apart.
   —Massive collaboration sets us apart from other primates.

   Every single feat of wonder, whether it be an engineering or architectural accomplishment, in the ancient and modern world alike has been the conception of work forces of thousands upon hundreds-of-thousands of people.
   —Collaboration has enabled every engineering wonder in history.

   Every day millions of potential workers log on to the internet to spend time on one or many of the limitless social-media outlets, such as Facebook or Tumblr, spending time that could be used towards the next big thing.
   —Millions of us already gather for hours on social media outlets where we could collaborate on the next big thing.

   Massive online collaboration is a call to the information age and its generation of humans; a call to do a greater good for humanity as a whole.
   —So far we’ve been frittering away with cat videos and birthday wishes the chance to achieve a greater human good. Maybe we can do both.

   Mostly I’ve concentrated as always on subjects and verbs.
   1. Collaboration sets us apart.
   2. Collaboration enables wonders.
   3. Millions gather, could collaborate.
   4. We fritter. We could achieve.

   Yours were different.
   1. Humans have nothing.
   2. Feats are conceptions.
   3. Millions spend time.
   4. Collaboration calls.

   Which one tells the story better?

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   • cptpoostaincomp2 says:

     March 10, 2015 at 7:11 pm

     Thank you for the feedback! I’ll be sure to take it in to account when revising my introduction.

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