2 Responses to Open Strong- bglunk

1. bglunkcomp2 says:

   March 24, 2015 at 7:57 pm

   feedback requested.

   Feedback provided. —DSH

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2. davidbdale says:

   March 24, 2015 at 8:45 pm

   bglunk, I don’t honestly expect most of my students’ writing to be much better than what you’ve done here. But since it’s a small assignment that I’m not going to ask you to revise, let me critique every sentence here for the sake of illustration.

   1. Most people believe happiness is the greatest thing they can achieve in life.
   —Perfectly fine, although starting with an accusation about “other people” can make you sound arrogant.

   2. The truth is[,] without meaning[,] a person[‘]s happiness can only go so far.
   —”go so far” is almost meaningless here, bglunk. How far does happiness have to go? For people who achieve it, and who believe it’s the ultimate goal, doesn’t it go perfectly far enough? Apparently it’s not enough for you.

   3. The thought of living a shallow life without meaning forever can be extremely unsatisfying.
   —You don’t mean that “the thought . . . is unsatisfying.” You mean that “shallow life . . . is unsatisfying. So let’s fix that:
   3. A shallow life without meaning is extremely unsatisfying.
   —To the person who’s happy? Or to you, judging their life? Or is this what you mean at all? I think you’re trying to say that a shallow person can’t be happy. So why not say that?

   4. Happiness without meaning is a selfish way to live, only putting oneself first and never having any true sense of what things are worth.
   —But here you seem to say that a selfish person can be happy, putting herself first and not really understanding life, but ignorant about others’ needs and oblivious to life’s values. But you never say she can’t be happy.

   5. Can one really be happy without purpose?
   —Apparently so. Or at least you haven’t contradicted that premise.

   The real premise here is that while most people think happiness is the ultimate goal, you believe a selfless life based on meaningful contributions to something valuable and lasting is the ultimate goal. You disparage those who are happy but selfish, but to be honest, you never say that selflessness makes us happy, and you never say that selfishness can’t.

   You can try again to make clearer claims, but you’re not obligated to, bglunk. Your time might be better spent on portfolio essays.

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