Verbal Abuse
As the video goes on, two adults are seen arguing in a living room, a male and female but the female figure is not well shown and walks away. Right after the woman walks, their is another person shown, it is a girl who’s spectating the scene triggered by the two adults; those might be her parents. But why are they yelling? Now that the woman is gone, the male is pointing finger at the girl as a sign of culpability and he is also saying some mean things to her. When guilt makes her look down, she sees the phone, which can be used for help. Then we are taken to another scene, there is a boy with a big smile and a girl with a less glamorous face in a room very cozy, it’s more like a room for a girl.
The boy looks happy because he is keeping the little book away from the girl who owns it and is she trying to snatch it from him? Yes she is. When the girl steps back from the boy, we see that she has a drained face like an expression of giving up, not being able to fight anymore. But the boy keeps smiling, he is mocking the girl. Does the notebook contains something the girl doesn’t want the boy to read? Yes, the book is personal, so she yells “Stop it!,” hoping to gain sympathy from the boy, but it doesn’t work. He repeatedly screamed the word “pathetic”at her until it was scripted on her back.
The next scene is a woman looking fiercely at a boy that seems to be her son, whom looks down to the floor. She must be angry at him. The woman is standing in his room and is very close to him, which means that the woman has no respect for the boy’s personal space or that he must have done something very bad. She’s emotionally humiliating him, calling him a worthless idiot until the words physically appear on him. The boy is looking at himself in the mirror, but next to the mirror, a poster says, “Change the empire, liberate the nation, change the world.” This a very strong message, but to whom? Now we can see that the message is for every abuser and every victim of verbal abuse. If we talk about what we are going through, we can change the world. All it takes is a phone call.
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Counterintuitive Spring 2024 
This is so much stronger as a visual analysis than your first version, sall. I never go back to read the early drafts because I want to address your present work on its current merits, but I remember your first draft as completely abstract and not grounded in the details of the actual visual elements of the argument. I will return if you ask me for feedback using the magic phrase. Until then, accept my appreciation for the improvements you’ve already made.
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I appreciate the comment, also can I request feedback on the areas that need improvement?
Feedback provided. —DSH
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Sure, sall.
This first sentence is a runon, sall. That’s an illegal sentence construction you need to learn to recognize and then kill on sight. It’s actually two sentences jammed together. You need to separate them.
NOT: As the video starts, we see a young lady with fixed watery eyes either she’s looking at something sad or having deep thoughts.
FIXED: As the video starts, we see a young lady with fixed watery eyes. She’s either looking at something sad or having deep thoughts.
FIXED: As the video starts, we see a young lady with fixed watery eyes looking at something sad or having deep thoughts.
The second sentence needs punctuation. It isn’t a runon, but without the commas, readers can’t tell that your sentence is legal.
NOT: As the video goes on, two adults are seen arguing a male and female and the female walks away.
FIXED: As the video goes on, two adults are seen arguing, a male and female, and the female walks away.
FIXED: As the video goes on, a woman, who was arguing with a man, walks away.
NOT: Those might be her parents but why are they yelling?
FIXED: Those might be her parents, but why are they yelling?
So far, all your verbs have been present tense, so you must remain in present tense. I will also break up the long, stringy sentence at the same time.
NOT: After the woman left we see the male point finger at the girl as a sign of culpability and now the girl feels bad and she’s looking down as a sign of guilt and sees the phone which can be used for help.
FIXED: After the woman LEAVES, we see the male point finger at the girl as a sign of culpability. When guilt makes her look down, she sees the phone, which can be used to call for help.
You write without breaking your work into natural, legal sentences, sall.
NOT: There is boy with a big smile I wonder why is he so happy, he has a little note book that a girl is trying to snatch from him, who owns the book?
FIXED: There is boy with a big smile. Is he happy because he is keeping the little book away from the girl who owns it and is trying to snatch it from him?
This one is nice.
GOOD: When the girl steps back from the boy, we see that she has a drained face like an expression of giving up, not being able to fight anymore.
ALTERNATE: When the girl steps back from the boy, we see from her drained face that she has given up, unable to fight anymore.
Also nice.
GOOD: But how come the only person that’s smiling is the boy? is he mocking the girl, does the notebook contains something the girl doesn’t want the boy to read?
ALTERNATE: Only the boy is smiling. Is he mocking the girl? Does the notebook contains something the girl doesn’t want the boy to read?
Your small quotation needs punctuation.
NOT: Yes he has something personal of the girl’s so she yells stop it in hope to gain sympathy from the boy but it doesn’t seem to work.
FIXED: Yes, the book is personal, so she yells “Stop it!,” hoping to gain sympathy from the boy, but it doesn’t work.
Actually, he screams the word “pathetic.”
NOT: He repeatedly screamed at the “pathetic” until the word was scripted on her back.
FIXED: He repeatedly screamed the word “pathetic”at her until it was scripted on her back.
Needs almost nothing, but your runon this time uses a comma. It’s called a “comma splice” and it’s just as illegal as an unpunctuated runon.
NOT: The next scene is a women looking fiercely at a boy who is looking down to the floor, she must be angry at him I’d assume.
FIXED: The next scene is a women looking fiercely at a boy who is looking down to the floor. She must be angry at him.
Good work here
She’s [standing] very close to him, which means that the woman has no respect for the boy’s personal space or [that] he must have done something very bad.
Don’t let your tenses wander; we’re still in the present.
NOT: She’s emotionally humiliating him, called him a worthless idiot now does words are physically appearing on him.
FIXED: She’s emotionally humiliating him, calling him a worthless idiot until the words physically appear on him.
More runon trouble.
NOT: The boy is looking at himself in the mirror but next the mirror, there is a poster that says “Change the empire, liberate the nation, change the world” this is a very strong message but to whom?
FIXED: The boy is looking at himself in the mirror, but next to the mirror, a poster says, “Change the empire, liberate the nation, change the world.” This a very strong message, but to whom?
Eliminate useless words.
NOT: Now we can see that the message is for everyone that is a victim of verbal abuse and the abusers.
FIXED: Now we can see that the message is for every abuser and every victim of verbal abuse.
Stay in present tense.
NOT: If we talked about what we are going through, we can change the world and it takes a phone call.
FIXED: If we talk about what we are going through, we can change the world. All it takes is a phone call.
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Thank you for the feedback. I have a big problem with punctuation because I get scared to use too many. I can have the style in my head, think of where to stop or slow down but then I hesitate to use it.
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Well I hope you found these notes helpful, Sall. And that they will make you more confident about punctuation in general.
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I can offer only a very provisional grade on this post while we’re in the copy-edit phase, sall. Once the work is grammatically correct, you’ll need to do a round of revisions, including but not limited to breaking your argument into organized paragraphs. I’m glad we’re conferencing, but I won’t be able to tell you much about grades while we’re in this process. Currently, you have a grade you would not want to keep.
Grade Code 1Y6
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Hi I edited this post can I get a feedback, please?
Feedback provided. —DSH
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Sall, because you don’t tell us anything about the scene at first, we have no idea what’s going on. Are we indoors or outdoors? Are they dressed for work? Or just out of the shower? We have no idea what you’re looking at.
You seem to be describing just two people in your first sentence, but in the second sentence you say those two people might be “her parents,” so apparently there are three people involved, but that’s unclear too.
If the male is the mysterious girl’s father, does he point at her to blame her for the argument and her mother’s departure? We can’t tell.
Is it possible that the next sentence describes a new scene with new characters? It should have its own paragraph, and you should indicate to us that we have switched locations.
Et cetera. Do you see the problem here, sall? The assignment is to provide a visual analysis, but you’re not telling us what is on the screen. Instead of asking so many questions (there are four in the first half), you should be making positive declarations about what you see first, then offering explanations for what the visuals might mean.
I hope this is helpful and that you won’t become frustrated with the process.
Grade Code 1D2
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Thank you for the feedback and no there’s no frustration, I’ll keep working on it till I get it right.
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Feedback please.
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