1. The movement of Je Suis Charlie gives hope to the ongoing fight for the rights to free speech. 2. The graphic of Je Suis Charlie is a symbol for free speech under the realization that it is not a new fight. 3. People have been fighting for the right to free speech for a long time but the fight has gotten tiresome and people have died in the name of free speech. 4. In the picture, Charlie is tired and sad because of the deaths surrounding the Charlie Hebdo terrorist attack in Paris. 5. I am angry and defensive when terrorists attack innocent people no matter where they are. 6. It’s the lack of justice from the situation that really provokes a reaction. 7. The targets of the attack were cartoonists, regular people going to work at a satirical magazine. 8. What made them specific targets was their cartoons of the prophet Mohammad, and despite their right to free speech, they were murdered. 9. In response to the attack, thousands of demonstrators took to the streets and demonstrated unity. 10. That unity was a call for people to stand up for the rights of free speech. 11. The cartoonist who drew this graphic, the designer, and the instructor who display the graphic so prominently all have the same goal, to spark conversation. 12. That conversation between people who are confused by the graphic. 13. The person depicted clearly looks like Charlie Brown, however there are distinct features that set him apart. 14. By making the graphic seems as though the Charlie Brown depicted is different such as his sad, older, and heavier appearance, they make people question what the graphic means. 15. As they question what it means they become involved in the topic of free speech. 16. This graphic highlights the events in the fight for free speech by making viewers question and research what the graphic means.
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Counterintuitive Spring 2024 
Feedback was requested.
Feedback provided. —DSH
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Hey, thegreatestpenn, it’s time for a second draft that builds on the good work you’ve done in the first.
I’m going to break with my own tradition and begin with global comments (overall essay) first, then offer some local (paragraph and sentence level) feedback. My hope is that while revising to respond to the global critique you’ll make enough changes so that the smaller local blemishes will disappear. Once the post shapes up, we can concentrate on minor copy-editing matters of grammar and punctuation.
Global Comments:
I suggested the technique of chronicling your changing attitude to the graphic as a way of loosening you up for the writing process. Now that you have some words together, it’s time to move on from that “warmup.” There’s nothing in that “transition” material worth saving. Your observation that “this is not a new fight” is far more valuable, an observation you can claim to have been your first impression of the cartoon.
You transition too quickly from your anger at the injustice of terrorist attacks to the positive spin of the public’s reaction. Pause awhile to reflect on whether this was a typical terror attack. Were the victims random citizens on a bus across town? Or were they more or less assassinated targets? So . . . was the “main goal” to cause terror? Or was it to send a message to open critics of the beliefs of the attackers? Does their having been chosen specifically to die explain the public’s reaction? Would a million Parisians have turned out for a rally against violence? Or did they turn out in this case for something positive? That gives you two points of comparison.
Your final paragraph “points at” a topic instead of examining it. You say there’s a conversation, which is true. But you might as well say, “I heard voices in the next room, agitated and dramatic voices, but too muffled to understand.” We don’t gain much insight from knowing that people got excited. Take us into that room, thegreatestpenn. What are the details of the conversation? I take it you mean there’s no context in which an aged, pot-bellied Charlie Brown “fits.” If that’s what you mean by “something” being “out of place,” that’s intriguing, and a fairly specific example of the “emotion, thought, and ideas” you have when contemplating that drawing.
According to one interpretation of the Quran, Muslims are not permitted to represent the prophet Muhammad, so any cartoon depiction would be “out of place,” to use your phrase. Certainly the drawings in Charlie Hebdo not only depicted the prophet, but portrayed a version of him that was at least as unflattering as the drawing of the broken-down Charlie Brown. That’s just one example of the sort of conversation that might be taking place.
Local Comments:
Vagueness in essays is never a good thing. “what happened in Paris” is so wimpy compared to the obvious rhetorical advantage of “the massacre in Paris.” Of course, we don’t expect people to “stand up for” “the massacre in Paris,” which exposes the other problem with the sentence. What does it even mean to stand up for what happened in Paris? It could mean to express sympathy and grief for the cartoonists who were killed. Or it could mean to express solidarity with their right to freely express themselves. Hunt down and weed out any other vagueness you find. It’s death to clarity.
Illegal use of the 2nd person (see the Writing tab). Two examples in your third paragraph, P3.
Throat clearing: With the attacks in Paris, there was a positive spin at the end in the form of the public’s reaction to the attacks. If there was a positive spin, say what good resulted. Don’t waste a sentence telling us that you’re going to tell us something.
Overall, this is a perfectly respectable first draft, thegreatestpenn, but it’s nowhere near the best you can make it.
Grade Code 8E0
Critique the critique: If you appreciate receiving feedback, please reply to indicate whether you found the critique helpful or not, and if so, how it was helpful.
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This isn’t a horrible grade, thegreatestpenn, but it’s not the grade you want. Make revisions, argue with the criticism, react in any way you like, but react. Leave a feedback request when you’re ready.
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I revised this draft. Thank you for the comments, they were extremely helpful and I don’t think I would have been able to revise this work as well as I did without them.
I modified the:
-Vague conversation at the end
-Vague Paris references and claims
-Drew more support for the Je Suis movement
Thank You Professor! Please let me know how I can make this next draft better.
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Feedback was requested.
Feedback provided. —DSH
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Hey TGP. It’s been awhile since you asked for feedback. Thank you for your patience. Maybe since then you’ve learned more about writing clear, robust claims and you’ll be able to do revisions on your own work even before I see them from now on. I haven’t read your new draft yet. Let’s look.
The first thing I notice is that you’ve written just one paragraph. It may be the perfect strategy, but I worry in advance that if you cover three topics (which you probably should), you’d have been better off with a paragraph for each topic. Again, let’s see. (I’m going to number your sentences.)
Allow me to rephrase your first three sentences (paragraph A)
1. Je Suis Charlie advances an old fight for free speech.
2. The graphic is an emblem of an old fight for free speech.
3. People have died in the old fight for free speech.
(There must be a better way to make these three claims than to write the same sentence three times.)
New paragraph (B):
4. Cartoon Charlie is grieving the dead cartoonists.
5. I am angry and grieve for innocent victims everywhere.
6. The killing of innocents is unjust.
(Apparently, Charlie illustrates your own reaction to injustice, but you haven’t said so.)
New paragraph (C):
7. The cartoonists were innocents.
8. They exercised their free speech by drawing Muhammad and were targeted.
9. Thousands have proclaimed unity with . . . ?
10. . . . free speech.
(Does it matter that they were engaged in legal activity if they deliberately provoked terrorists who had threatened them?)
New paragraph (D):
11. The cartoonist, designer, and instructor, want conversation.
12. They confuse their audience to start conversation.
13. Charlie Brown is not the usual Charlie Brown.
14. This starts a conversation.
15. The conversation leads to talk of free speech.
16. The graphic is successful in starting a conversation.
(Does this represent your most thoughtful reaction to the assignment?)
Once you’ve divided your topics into paragraphs, decide whether, on their own, your few sentences adequately develop your smaller arguments. I have some questions.
A. Has anybody denied that the French cartoonists have the right to express themselves? They weren’t sanctioned by their government or censored; their offices weren’t shut down; they sold their magazine on newsstands in Paris. Why do Charlie (and the Je Suis movement) represent a fight for free speech? Apparently, that battle has been won.
B. No doubt the killing of the cartoonists was an incomprehensibly extreme reaction to their cartoons, clearly unjust, but not, in the minds of the attackers, without justification. So what else do you regret, or condemn, besides the loss of life, and the threat to free expression, and how does Charlie symbolize those tragic circumstances?
C. Are the demonstrators making a political point? When they take to the streets to proclaim that they are Charlie, who is their audience? Who do they expect to impress? What does their action have to do with the graphic, or vice versa?
D. The cartoon was drawn long before the attack on Charlie Hebdo. The cartoon was paired with the slogan Je Suis Charlie by a designer who did not create either. The instructor placed the completed design on a blog whose primary audience are American students. How is it possible all three had the same goal?
Remember, TGP, this is a minor assignment. I’m spending a lot of time on it with you for an unexpected reason. A brilliant grade on your Je Suis assignment will do very little to affect your semester grade, but this VERY close examination of this minor assignment demonstrates how carefully I read all your writing. Anything you do here to improve this small piece of work should pay big benefits when you apply the same approach to your portfolio papers.
I hope that encourages you that we’re not wasting time here. The process isn’t easy, but it works. That first grade still seems fair. Awaiting your reply.
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