“Women’s Heart Disease”
The message of this short video delivers has an amazing impact on many. We see a woman of color standing before a clothesline from the ceiling, in an old-fashioned kitchen suggesting a time women had unequal rights to men and were inferior. The clothes hanging up from the ceiling portrays her role as the typical housewife who tidies up the house and keeps it in good shape; her hair is pinned up in the back and her dress drapes down to the floor representing the colonial times, which forced women how to present themselves. In just a few seconds, we are reminded how the typical household looked in America before women had equal rights. While the woman stays home and cleans, the man is off at work to pay the mortgage.
Delving into the next scene, the woman is elevated through the ceiling from a textile room, raising her to a completely different area where she is mounted behind a podium. She is rising above the old-fashioned reputation and the lifestyle of how women were portrayed. In the room, the video shows a crowd of women of different races empowering one another, showing that no matter what kind of woman they are, they all have something in common. No matter their race, religion, or ethnicity, they are strong and independent women who cannot be oppressed and neglected of their freedom and rights. The several “WOMEN UNITED” posters hanging around the tightly compacted room show independence from society’s standpoints. Now, wearing a bandana in her free hair, along with a pair of pants and hoop earrings show a standpoint of a change in our society.
Continuing to the last few seconds of the clip shows yet another depiction of women empowerment. The woman is elevated to a higher level in the social status and the business world. Standing in a high-class office while wearing a suit, much like a mans suit, showing the woman having power, status, and importance as if it were a job meant for a male. Her hair is loosely curled with nothing holding it back, not hair tie, no pin up, or a bandana. The hair represents accomplishment and strength. Towards the end of the scene, she says, “Today women can do anything men can do. And there’s one thing we’re even better at.” America has changed the way they see in women and how they are treated. Women strive for equal rights in our history and have become quite successful. When she is lying on the floor it is because of heart disease and how women are “better at” getting heart attacks due to the disease. This illness does not just occur in men, but in women as well, showing that everyone is human no matter what gender. Anyone can strive for the same opportunities, the same goals, and unfortunately catch the worst diseases.
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Counterintuitive Spring 2024 
This is well done, qdoba. Much of your good work is marred by troubles with sentence structure. Would you appreciate, or be annoyed by, some specific recommendations on how to rephrase for clarity and impact?
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I would appreciate any sentence structure recommendations, any rephrasing.
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I would also suggest that you make some wardrobe notes. See the evolution of the woman’s 3 hairstyles. Note the head scarf and hoop earrings of the central image. The business suit that is as much like a men’s suit as possible for corporate success. The lack of ornamentation. The ceiling height and skyscrapers through the window that suggest she is now on the top floor. The American flag behind the podium. The women’s equality symbol. All these details contribute to a visual argument in fractions of a second. You have the luxury of freeze frame to identify them and note for us that they have an impact. See what I mean?
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OK qdoba. Sentence structure and phrasing.
I’ve started a new post about this problem, after finding several examples in your essays. Your “By” phrase is the problem. It’s an adverb with nothing to modify. The other problem is your “it.” No word is a worse subject for a sentence than “it.” What you really mean is that the video has an impact. So make “video” your subject. Or maybe the “message.”
The huge message this short video delivers has a massive impact on many.
We see a woman of color standing before a clothesline in an old-fashioned kitchen, . . .
. . . suggesting a time when women were considered inferior to men.
Her role as the typical housewife is to tidy up the house and keep it in good shape.
In just a few seconds we are reminded how typical American households looked before equal rights for women.
Men went to work to pay the mortgage; women stayed home to clean.
Do these examples help? The second phase of editing would be to substitute strong subjects and active verbs wherever possible, changing this:
to this:
I admit, that last one is a substantial overhaul, not exactly sentence structure and phrasing notes on your original, but it does provide a model of robust sentences in which every clause makes a claim.
Do you find this useful, qdoba?
Can you apply the lessons to your remaining paragraphs?
The Visual Rewrite is a Portfolio Assignment, so it’s definitely worth your time.
Grade Code 5D3
Grades are decoded at Professor Conferences.
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I have revised this post please take another look at it and regrade.
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